Author name: Hellen Kimaru

I have felt lost in my life and sometimes thought of myself as a wandering spirit of some sort. I lost myself in my work when I gave it my all thinking I could change a little corner of my world. I lost myself trying to help other people I cared about because I always went the extra mile to fulfil their needs. You know those times you stretch yourself thin thinking you could do it all, you could take care of all the problems around you, you could take away the pain of those you love and care for deeply. And then one day you wake to realize that that would be such an impossible task. That all along you couldn’t and might never be able to do it all, that you cannot save everyone!  In my twenties, I had this noble idea that I could change a lot. I had equal drive and passion, and I constantly was in a race against time, resources and my dreams. I wanted it all, I wanted the world, and nothing could stop me. I remember when I got my very first job, I was a program assistant earning Ksh 20K, it was as if my world had come to a stand still when I got this news. I remember making plans for all the things I could change and budgeting a trip around the “sun”. I thought this money would be life changing and that I could do anything. I had learnt some budgeting during my college years but when I received my very first paycheck, it dawned on me how much responsibility I had vis a vis the money I was earning. It became apparent that I could only do so much. After all the budgeting, I would be left with 2K which I would save in the same current account. Money that would mostly spend very limited time in my account despite it being allocated as “savings”. Why, you might ask, I have always been a giver, so I gave and catered for peoples’ urgent needs. Their emergencies became my own, I embraced them like that scar you got as a kid that isn’t going anywhere. I guess we all have that, right?   When I first started my business, I had big dreams. I saw it as my baby, something that needed to be nurtured. So, I drove all my attention there, I spent nights working on putting together workshop materials and thinking about the next big thing. It was such a rollercoaster. I never knew just how much potential this business had, but I had a dream and a clue on how life changing this could be for me and our beneficiaries. I still wanted to change the world, if only I could empower one young mind, if only I could bring about a mindset shift, if only one or two people got employed or started a business because of a skill I had taught them. That was all that I needed. So, I pushed to make it happen, I wouldn’t let anyone get in the way. At some point, I did not realize just how much I was losing myself in my work. I stressed about my deliverables, employee’s deliverables, the participants and whether we were doing enough or right by our funders. I was and still am a perfectionist, but if anything, life has taught me that sometimes we can only do so much. I remember one time just before covid and six months into the business, I broke down. I was overwhelmed and at this point, I just felt like I needed the world to open and swallow me. I thought I should quit but something was still holding me back. It felt like I had not fulfilled my purpose, like there was more to be done and God had placed me here for this very reason. So, I found strength to continue but still I was not taking care of myself. My work became my identity, I was always looking for ways to better our curriculums or learn something I could teach my students. I had fun on most occasions but eventually, that was all I could speak about or identify with. I am a lover; I love life and I love my family and friends. I had never thought that I would let a relationship almost define my very existence. I met a guy; one I thought was the “one”. I guess sometimes we have that kind of person. The one who sweeps you off your feet and it feels like you have conquered the world. Sorry, sometimes it’s just an illusion. I watched a video sometime back that said that “ if he gives you the butterflies” he is not the one. I cannot attest to whether it works that way, but maybe there is some truth to it. The butterflies could be an indicator of being unsettled, some anxiety, like when you go on stage to present a speech or recite a poem and cannot imagine how your audience will react to your delivery. I loved and planned. I thought about all the things we could achieve. Don’t mind me. I am big on planning. My life since I was a teenager has been one big grand plan in my head, did it work the same way I planned it? Sorry to disappoint, it didn’t, but that doesn’t stop me from planning. I still have found myself planning for almost every aspect of my life. It has kinda helped me control some things for sure and anticipate for the worst. Might work for you or not. I lost myself in loving genuinely and even when the red flags about my relationship were right there, served on a silver platter right before me, I couldn’t see them, or maybe I ignored them because I couldn’t bring myself to believe the truth that was right there. It was not working, but